DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
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I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.