The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
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Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
The Book. The Movie.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend