2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
You Might Also Like
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
それは草
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.