GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
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British people be like I’m Bri ish
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree