I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
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Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
When you pick your nose after dusting the house