The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
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When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
How times have changed.
sry
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Doug is just Canadian for dog
peeping toms
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”