Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
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Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Try and stop me.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus