You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
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Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH