I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
You Might Also Like
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.