It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
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Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Stop it! 😂
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*