How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
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Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
first you must answer his riddles
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying