Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
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[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.