I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
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Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
For cardio I live beyond my means.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
That’s what I call a flat tire
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”