What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
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In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat