Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
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Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: try the coffee.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!