Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
You Might Also Like
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?