me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
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my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Big Sex has us all fooled
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
I’m just playing devils avocado here
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?