“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
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The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels