Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
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boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.