Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
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I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
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I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!