Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
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If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES