Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
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Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol