M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
You Might Also Like
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
My birthstone is a marshmallow
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
My blood type is coffee.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.