Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
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I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.