Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
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I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.