thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
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If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
This week’s mood.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.