DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
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Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”