GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
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If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
barbara was highly relatable
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*