Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
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Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?