Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
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“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Scream sneezers need love too.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
How wrong was this guy?
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
This January has 47 Mondays
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???