4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
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DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.