Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
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This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*