[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
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[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
I am patiently waiting for your email
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks