My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
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I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
scared to check what name she chose
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!