Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
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Accurate
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.