-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
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Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
we’re gonna need another temp
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan