Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
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The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler