That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
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The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)