me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
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It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes