Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
![]()
You Might Also Like
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
![]()
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
![]()
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank