me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
You Might Also Like
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late