Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
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Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
They delivered 70 boxes of snacks and water for our summer program. I unloaded 3 hand trucks in like 15 min. The delivery guy gonna say “I was gonna ask for your number but you too strong and independent I’d rather just tell you we’re hiring” 😭😭😭😭😭
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.