They delivered 70 boxes of snacks and water for our summer program. I unloaded 3 hand trucks in like 15 min. The delivery guy gonna say “I was gonna ask for your number but you too strong and independent I’d rather just tell you we’re hiring” 😭😭😭😭😭
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I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
I can also cook 😂
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.