if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
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I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Truth
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Wasps: bees, but not helping
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?