When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.
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St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Tier 3 meme
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers