Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
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Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
scrabbled eggs