Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
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“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
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Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
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There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
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Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.