Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
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I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
this is what they would have looked like, though
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that