Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
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“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Barbie gone wild
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?