My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
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*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.