COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
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These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
be careful
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity