Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
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[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient